This article appeared in my desktop RSS feed this morning, and it prompted me to consider what sort of language I use when speaking of my wife and myself. The article comes from a science news website, and reports on a study at U.C. Berkeley that indicates that couples who use the language of "we-ness" resolve conflicts better, behave more positively towards each other, and suffer less stress than couples who use more individualistic language. This is perhaps not terribly surprising, but it gave me pause for introspection.
I think overall Jenny and I score pretty well on the "we-ness" test. Certainly when it comes to our interests and aesthetic sensibilities, and perhaps to a slightly lesser extent our hobbies (our creative energies tend to work themselves out in somewhat different ways), we speak with enthusiasm of what "we" enjoy and appreciate and do. But I have to struggle at times with my own deep-seated tendency towards individualism. Usually this appears as an unawareness that my actions and behavior around other people reflects on Jenny as well as myself. I am not a terribly social being, and especially when I'm tired I sometimes seclude myself from others in a social gathering, keep my head down, and wait it out. I'm also the king of the one-word, conversation-ending response. And while I may be perfectly content with my reputation for being a wallflower, Jenny is not such a fan of being the woman with the moody husband staring glumly from the corner. Often she tries to draw me into whatever conversation she is engaged in, introducing me with that "we" language the article speaks of, only to have me act as if whatever coupley thing she said of us was an utterly alien thought to me. I am more of an individualist than I like to admit, and it is at moments like these that my individualist tendencies spring to the fore. I want to hang on to a sense of myself apart from the "we-ness" of our marriage. And I don't think this desire for individuality is entirely bad; marriage is between persons, not clones. But knowing when to be "we" and when to be "you and I" is a tricky business, a dance of individuality and communion.
Learning the dance takes time, and that is why we chose to name this chronicle of our mutual life "Our Vegetable Love"--because we want our love to grow with the slow, inexorable strength of ordinary plants that break stones and buckle sidewalks.
Several people have been asking about my green smoothie recipe (although my smoothies tend to be more purplish than green). There is nothing better than starting my day with a cup of this delicious goodness. I feel literally zinging with health when I drink one.
